


the man in the boat

by thunderylee



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Gender Dysphoria, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Period talk, Transphobia, casual bro sex, fuckboy koyama, homophobic slur, the v word, transgender character, transgender sex, transgenderswitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 00:25:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13869168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Shige's been asked so many times what he would do if he was a girl, and every time he'd naturally assumed that he wouldfeellike one too.





	the man in the boat

**Author's Note:**

> i was really just tired of writing cismen.

"I woke up like this," Shige says to three sets of widened eyes, and it sounds more like Beyoncé than it should due to the absolute lack of depth in his voice.

Tegoshi speaks first, after a few long seconds of precariously examining Shige's face. "Are you a girl _everywhere_?"

"I'm not a girl at all," Shige snaps, becoming even more frustrated at how his words sound coming out. "I just have different parts now."

"We have to hide it, right?" Massu asks, the lone voice of logic since Shige's distraction has overridden his own. "It's winter, so it shouldn't be too difficult. I think you can train your voice back down too."

"Yeah," Shige agrees. He feels better now that they're making a plan instead of gawking at him. "I'll work on that."

"Is it so bad?" Koyama finally asks, uncharacteristically quiet through this whole emergency meeting. "I mean, obviously we have to cover it up for work, but outside of that, isn't it okay to explore this new side of you?"

Shige stares at him, his instincts torn between smacking Koyama right in the face and simply walking away. "There _is_ no new side of me, Kei," he says evenly, or as even as he can manage in his higher voice. "My body has changed, but my brain is the same."

Koyama looks unconvinced, and Shige has known him for long enough to see the difference in the way his best friend looks at him. It's disappointing for reasons he doesn't want to unpack right now, because this whole situation is complicated enough without adding attraction to the mix.

He's been asked so many times what he would do if he was a girl, and every time he'd naturally assumed that he would _feel_ like one too. But right now, sporting a pair of breasts and an open space between his legs where there hadn't been one before, Shige still feels the same as he always has.

"Here's a website that might interest you," Tegoshi announces, pulling Shige out of his thoughts with a phone in his face. "They have binders and packers and a forum with a bunch of tips on how to present as a boy."

Shige accepts the phone without a response, scrolling through a few items before finding his words. "Why do you know about this stuff?"

"Someone on my soccer team is trans," Tegoshi explains. "I messaged him just now and he sent me that link, along with some YouTube channels. I'll forward it to you if you want, or you can use my phone to order whatever. I don't care if it's traced back to me."

Shige blinks as the realization dawns upon him. "I'm trans _gender_ now."

"Technically, yeah," Tegoshi says, then flashes a smile that's more real than idol. "I mean, inevitably it's up to you to decide how you identify, but right now you're biologically a girl while feeling like a boy, so that's transgender by definition."

"Stop saying 'girl' and 'boy' like I'm a child," Shige lectures, pleased to find _something_ to speak confidently about. "I'm thirty years old. I'm a _man_."

"Okay," Tegoshi agrees easily, like Shige had needed to convince him of that fact, and it occurs to Shige that this is his reality now. Like the transgender people he and Koyama had met a couple years ago, Shige now has to make the conscious effort to present as a man because it's not obvious anymore. On the surface, his gender no longer matches his body.

It hits him all at once and he brings his hands to his face, crouching down in the fetal position while standing up. Someone guides him to a cushioned surface and he curls up, pressing his fist into his eyes to keep from crying, because it's all too much and he can't sort out his thoughts with all the pressure that's suddenly looming over him.

Arms wrap around him instantly, and he knows it's Koyama by the sniffles that join his. "I'm sorry, Shige," Koyama whispers, squeezing him tightly like he can make all of this go away if he tries hard enough. "For what it's worth, you're a beautiful woman."

"Kei-chan," Tegoshi says sternly, and Shige's so surprised to hear that tone from that person that he abandons his urge to shove Koyama away from him and lifts his wet eyes to Tegoshi instead. "Take a walk with me."

Koyama detaches himself from Shige, looking as bewildered by Tegoshi's tone as Shige is, and the pair of them disappear into the main room of Shige's apartment. Shige hadn't made it any further than his bedroom when he'd woken up with an altered body, immediately sending an SOS in the NEWS group chat that had the other three bursting through his front door like the SWAT team twenty minutes later. At least they all have their own keys.

Tissues appear out of nowhere and Shige smiles gratefully at Massu as he accepts them. "Thanks."

"You know what's happening here, right?" Massu asks, gesturing toward the other room where hissed voices can be heard.

"Yeah," Shige answers. "It's not his fault."

Massu shakes his head. "I don't understand men who look at people differently just because of their bodies."

"Me neither," Shige agrees. "He's always been like this, but it hasn't affected me until now."

"I'm sorry," Massu says genuinely, and Shige nods. "Let's just focus on making you look more like...yourself."

"Okay," Shige agrees. He reaches for the phone Tegoshi had left behind and clicks on the binder menu. "I suppose I need one of these. They look really uncomfortable."

"Yeah, they do," Massu agrees, making a face as he scoots closer to look over Shige's shoulder. "How are you supposed to dance in that?"

"Oh no, the _concerts_ ," Shige whines, flinging Tegoshi's phone dramatically across his bed. "We have album promotions and a concert tour and _fuck_ , I have to record my radio show _tomorrow_."

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Massu rushes to console him, grabbing him by both arms to keep him from rocking himself into a frenzy. "We'll get through this, Shige. We've _always_ made it through _every_ obstacle life has thrown at us, right? This is no different."

"This isn't your problem!" Shige exclaims, cringing at the pitch of his own voice. " _I'm_ the one who has to fool everyone here. I actually have to force myself to be overly masculine to pass as a man now, and _that_ is what upsets me more than Koyama looking at me differently."

The sound of the front door closing seems to punctuate Shige's statement, both he and Massu looking up when Tegoshi sheepishly appears in the doorway to Shige's bedroom, alone.

"Kei-chan went to meet with our group manager," he announces, sounding both sad and angry. "He's gonna buy us some time to figure out what to do."

"Isn't it obvious?" Shige barks. "I have to bind my chest and stuff my pants so everybody thinks I still have a penis."

Tegoshi takes a deep breath like this affects his life at all, and Shige swallows down the nasty words that want to come out. Tegoshi is not the one who needs to hear them.

"It says you shouldn't wear these for more than a few hours at a time," Massu speaks up, having retrieved Tegoshi's phone to research the binders further. "It can affect your breathing."

Shige looks down at his chest, assessing the new lumps under his shirt. "I don't _mind_ them. If I didn't have the entire world scrutinizing my every feature in high-definition, I probably wouldn't even bother hiding them. Man-boobs are a thing."

"Look at Yamashita," Massu supplies, and the three of them laugh. It has Shige feeling a little better, at least for the time being where he doesn't have to camouflage his body to be accepted.

"If we're lucky, you'll change back tomorrow," Tegoshi says, surprising Shige even more by taking charge in Koyama's absence. "But just in case you don't, we should come up with some options and see what works best."

"Okay," Shige agrees, putting his faith in Tegoshi for probably the first time ever.

*

Three days later, Shige still doesn't have a penis, and he's the only one not making a big deal out of it. Despite his protests, his parents start calling him their daughter and his manager tries to bond with him now that they're both women. Even dressed in layers and pants, he's ogled on the street by complete strangers, his angry retorts going unprocessed as they only see a female body and nothing else.

When the binder arrives in the mail, Shige tears into it. "I feel a bond with women now," he mutters as he pulls it on.

"I know what you mean," Tegoshi says, and he would. "So many men have a one-track mind."

It's not weird at all to have Tegoshi help him pull on the binder; in fact, Shige's glad he's here. Shige has spent the past three days reading articles and watching videos, but nothing could have prepared him for the battle of _proving_ his gender over and over. Forcing his voice into a lower register had been easy compared to explaining to the people who had _raised him_ that he isn't a woman just because he has body parts that women are usually born with.

"Is this how your teammate feels?" Shige asks after complaining to Tegoshi for five straight minutes about narrow-minded people and traditional gender roles.

"Not exactly," Tegoshi admits, and Shige feels a sense of guilt like he's doing something wrong. "He has a lot of dysphoria about his body while you seem fine with it. Now, that could be because your gender has been validated up until recently, while his hasn't. I'm not really qualified to speak on his experience."

"Of course not," Shige rushes to agree. "I'm sorry I asked."

"I can speak on my own experience though," Tegoshi goes on, and Shige's head turns so fast that he almost gives himself whiplash. "For a while, I thought I might be a woman."

"Really?!" Shige asks incredulously. "I mean, I knew you liked to cross-dress, but I thought that's all it was."

"That actually had nothing to do with it," Tegoshi tells him, offering a smile that's so far from his stage persona that Shige feels like he's being confided in by a completely different person. "I was raised with long hair and dresses, you know. Gender is so much more than that. It's hard to explain, but...I think you might understand now."

"I'm trying to," Shige admits. "All I know is that I was comfortable for so long, and now I have to consistently deal with people telling me I'm something I'm _not_. I can't imagine doing it for my entire life—I'd probably just give up and let them see me as they want."

"That's what I did," Tegoshi says. "Unless I'm gonna come out and lead a revolution, it doesn't really matter how I feel. On the outside, I'm a boy, and on the inside, I'm just me. I actually feel lucky that I have a job where it's acceptable for me to be femme. Not many people assigned male at birth have that privilege."

Shige doesn't know what to say to that, so he shrugs back on his shirt and spins around. "What do you think?"

"Flat enough," Tegoshi assesses. "You just look fat now."

"Totally what I wanted to hear," Shige says sarcastically, and Tegoshi laughs. "It feels kinda awkward."

"Hopefully, you won't have to wear it that much," Tegoshi assures him. "Now, for the real test."

He lifts up his phone and Shige makes an unimpressed face, trying to look as unappealing as possible as Tegoshi takes a picture and undoubtedly sends it to Koyama. They both wait for the response, staring at Tegoshi's phone so hard that they both jump when it goes off.

"'I'm sorry, I still Lady Shigemi'," Tegoshi reads, then rolls his eyes. "He's hopeless."

"I am _literally_ the same person I was last week!" Shige exclaims, frowning as he punches the mattress. "I'm more pissed off that Koyama is ignoring the past _seventeen years_ in favor of whatever he thinks I've magically become just because my organs have shifted around."

"Yeah," Tegoshi says evasively as he swipes his screen to read another message. "Massu says you look like Shige without boobs."

Shige laughs. "There is that, at least."

He tries on the packer next, making a face at how it rubs against him. Tegoshi watches him carefully, looking more concerned than amused at Shige's discomfort. "Is it bad?"

"I don't like this," Shige says after a whole minute of adjusting himself in the mirror. "It looks good, but it doesn't feel good at all."

"You don't need it," Tegoshi rushes to tell him. "We'll just take a leaf out of Massu's book and put you in really baggy pants."

"Would anyone even notice if this had happened to Massu?" Shige asks seriously.

"Probably not," Tegoshi replies with a laugh. "I wish it had happened to me."

Shige's face falls as Tegoshi's expression turns solemn. "I'm sorry it didn't," is all he can think to say.

"I think we're good on the presentation," Tegoshi says quickly, and Shige nods. "You still fit into your clothes, and you more or less look the same as before with the binder. The angles are gone from your face, but we'll just say that you gained some weight. Wear scarves and turtlenecks in case someone notices your adam's apple is missing."

"That will work until it gets warmer," Shige says. "Then what?"

"We'll worry about that then," Tegoshi tells him. "I can only focus on one day at a time. Hopefully, Kei-chan will manage to get his brain out of his pants by then."

Shige laughs out loud. "I actually feel sorry for him."

"Me too," Tegoshi admits. "Let's work on your singing voice."

Neither are surprised to learn that Shige's vocal range is still the same, though it's easier for him to hit a lot of the notes now. If anything, he sounds better this way, and he relaxes for the first time since his physical transformation. As long as he can still do his job, he's fine with whatever body he has.

He wonders if that's how Tegoshi feels too.

*

Two weeks pass without incident or change. Shige lives his life exactly the same as before, only he has to sit down to pee now. With the binder, he passes well enough to avoid any more catcalls or pickups, and nobody outside of the agency and Shige's family know any difference.

His biggest problem is actually Koyama. After several uncomfortable meetings, during which Koyama treated Shige so delicately that the staff thought he had a fever, Shige invites him over for a long overdue discussion.

"Is it because you're attracted to me?" Shige asks exasperatedly, watching Koyama's expression turn guilty at the question. "Because if you are, I have to wonder if has anything to do with my body parts at all. I'm still me and I still look the same, and even you aren't superficial enough to suddenly assign a completely different identity to me unless it's one that can feasibly be intimate with you."

"I'm sorry," Koyama says, hanging his head in a way that breaks Shige's heart. "I don't mean to disrespect you. I know you're still you, I just can't wrap my brain around you having woman parts and not acting like a woman."

"And how exactly are women _supposed_ to act?" Shige challenges him. "Vaginas don't come with a terms and conditions manual, you know."

Koyama brings his hands to his face, and he looks so vulnerable that Shige almost pities him for being so brainwashed by a society that is strict about segregating genders. "I'm sorry," he says again. "I'll do better."

"Don't say that so meaninglessly," Shige lectures. "It's not only me whom you're limiting to a skewed perception of actions and behaviors. Women deserve to be treated like human beings with their own agency too."

Koyama nods, sniffling behind his hands, and Shige breaks his stern character to sit next to Koyama on his couch, slinging an arm comfortingly around his back.

"I'm still me," he says again. "I know you understand what being transgender is, so _why_ do you keep insisting that I'm a woman now?"

Koyama sighs and stares at his knees. "You're already my most important person, and now that you are the opposite sex, my heart wants us to be together."

"Were you attracted to me before I changed?" Shige asks, and Koyama shakes his head. "What's different? Just my body? That's fucked up, Kei."

"I'm sorry," Koyama repeats. "I can't control my nature."

"Can you stop thinking with your dick for five minutes and consider what it's like to be me right now?" Shige snaps. "What if this had happened to you, huh? What if I suddenly focused on your new body parts and justified it by saying it's okay because you're a woman now?"

"If it happened to me, that would be okay," Koyama says with a cringe. "I know it's different than how you feel, but I'd be fine with it. I could adapt easily to living as a woman, I think."

"That says a lot about your gender now," Shige points out, and Koyama glances up questioningly. "I'm really going to need you to stop treating me differently though. Aside from being incredibly rude, it's an insult to our friendship. Regardless of what parts I have, I'm your _best friend_. Don't demote me to some kind of superficial crush just because I have boobs now."

Koyama's eyes start to lower, but he catches himself and redirects his gaze to the floor. "Can you at least wear a bra?"

"I'm not wearing anything for _your_ comfort," Shige shoots back. "Get used to it. I already have."

"Aren't you curious?" Koyama asks, and now Shige's the one not following. "If I woke up as a girl, the first thing I would do is find someone to have sex with."

Shige rolls his eyes. "Honestly? You're a pervert. And stop associating sex and gender. If you can't say the word 'vagina', you certainly shouldn't have access to one."

"Harsh," Koyama mutters.

"Tough love," Shige says with a smile, and Koyama scoffs.

"Are you just gonna...keep living life the way you have been?" Koyama asks, and it's such an odd question that Shige turns to stare at him. "You have the opportunity to be someone else, and you choose to stay the same."

"I'm not sure what part of this is supposed to be my choice," Shige says slowly, trying not to jump to conclusions and get angry. "Do you expect me to go all femme and join a girl group? It's a cute thought, but it's not me. I am me, and I belong right here, as a man, in NEWS."

"I don't want you to _leave_!" Koyama exclaims, throwing his arms around Shige like the mere act of holding onto him will keep him around forever. "Of _course_ you belong in NEWS. I'm not talking about work. You've been given the chance to live as the opposite sex, Shige."

"But I'm _not_ a woman," Shige says for what feels like the millionth time. "If your sister suddenly grew a penis, would she become your brother?"

Koyama makes a face, but nods. "Yes, and she would be a _he_."

"Then you're transphobic," Shige tells him.

"I'm not!" Koyama practically screams. "When Tegoshi was questioning his gender, I was ready to accept him as _her_ or whoever he decided he was."

"You knew about that?" Shige asks. "I just found out when this happened to me."

"You two weren't that close before now," Koyama says. "He told me he told you, which is the only reason I brought it up."

Shige shakes his head. "Either way, me living as a man with a vagina is no different than him living as a woman with a penis. Aside from the fact that my sex matched my gender for thirty years, which makes me infinitely more privileged than any actual transgender people who have been misgendered their entire lives."

Koyama sighs. "You're making my head hurt."

"You're making your own head hurt," Shige corrects him. "Don't blame me for your own ignorance."

Koyama starts to get up and Shige swallows back a plea to stay, his stubbornness outweighing his concern for his best friend.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Koyama says flatly, and Shige offers a grunt as Koyama lets himself out.

He promptly punches a pillow and doesn't feel any better. At least it wasn't Koyama's face.

*

Tegoshi's carpet should be worn out by now with as much as Shige's been pacing, but it's all he can do to not accidentally step on Emma, who's excitedly bouncing around his feet with every step.

"Can you believe that?" Shige ends his rant about his and Koyama's entire conversation.

"Yes, I can," Tegoshi answers easily, and Shige frowns at him. "Kei-chan means well, but he just doesn't understand. _Nobody_ understands what you are going through right now. Usually, when people change their sex, it's to confirm their gender. The opposite happened with you."

"I'm not going through anything!" Shige exclaims. "I'm still me! Nothing has changed but my body!"

"I know!" Tegoshi yells back, and Shige stops in his tracks, directing big eyes toward Tegoshi. "Oh, Shige. I'm sorry I raised my voice. Come here."

Shige's so bewildered that he follows orders, flopping right onto Tegoshi's couch and subsequently into his arms. It feels weird to be the one comforted by Tegoshi, but it's easy to curl up against him, the last of his rage absorbed by Tegoshi's tight embrace.

"If it makes you feel better," Tegoshi begins, "I'm not attracted to you at all, and I _love_ women."

Shige laughs. "Somehow that does make me feel better."

"Kei-chan did make a valid point though," Tegoshi goes on, and Shige thinks about leaning up enough to glare at him. "I'd _definitely_ want to see what it's like to have sex with different parts."

"You too?" Shige sighs. "Maybe I should go talk to Massu."

"Massu's not as prude as you think," Tegoshi says airily. "He's probably thought about it too."

"You are all perverts," Shige mutters. "I didn't even think that way when I had a penis."

"Do you even have sex?" Tegoshi asks, and Shige really does lean back to give him an incredulous look. "I'm serious! I've never seen you talk about another person that way. Is it that you're not attracted to anyone?"

Shige frowns. "I am, I just...don't act on it. Sex is a lot of effort and honestly it's not worth the hassle."

Tegoshi nods. "I can understand that, I think. Do you at least jerk off?"

"That's a really personal question!" Shige exclaims, but Tegoshi just blinks expectantly. " _Yes_ , I do. Once a week or so."

"That's it?!" Tegoshi gasps. "I do it like twice a _day_."

"You're inhuman," Shige tells him.

"Most guys do!" Tegoshi says defensively. "Ask Kei-chan. I bet he'll tell you the same."

"I am _not_ asking him that," Shige huffs. "He'll probably take it as an invitation."

"Have you even tried it out with this body yet?" Tegoshi asks, looking shocked. "You haven't, have you? Shige, you _have to_. I have it on good authority that it's _so much better_ that way."

"If I feel like it, I will." Shige folds his arms over his chest, suddenly uncomfortable at being braless on Tegoshi's couch. "I'm going home now."

"Okay," Tegoshi says indifferently. "I expect a full report in the morning."

"You will get no such thing," Shige counters.

"I'm so _jealous_ ," Tegoshi whines, twisting around on his couch like that's going to make anything happen.

Shige leaves before he thinks too hard about it.

*

Except that when he gets home, it's all he can think about, squirming in a completely new way as he gets turned on for the first time like this. It's worlds away from an erection, more like a slow-burning fire that lingers. His unrestrained nipples harden and rub against the fabric of his shirt, stimulating him even more, and he brings his hands up to touch them, gasping at the first contact.

Okay, maybe Tegoshi's right and it really is a lot better this way. Only one way to find out.

He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he shucks his clothes and makes his way to the bed. It's such a surreal sight to look at himself this way, with breasts and hips and rounder features; it feels like someone else staring back at him, like a distorted mirror in a funhouse. He retreats to his bed, where he spreads out on his back and lets his hands roam wherever they please, his high-pitched moans sounding foreign in his own head.

Contrary to Tegoshi's accusation, Shige _has_ had sex before, enough to know his way around a vagina. It's a lot different when it's _his_ though, his fingers moving instinctually to where it feels good. He chokes on his air at the first touch to his clit, quickly learning that light circles are the way to go.

He's so into it that his orgasm surprises him, sharp and fast, but he's nowhere near done. His hand continues down to where he's very wet, easily pushing one finger inside and following the need of his body until he's stretching to get deeper.

This was simultaneously the best and the worst idea ever. It feels _amazing_ , but it's not enough. Already, his wrist hurts from all the motion and the awkward angle he has to use to reach the good spots. He manages to get himself off this way, but it takes a lot of effort.

He spends ten very long seconds considering calling Koyama, and the only reason he doesn't is because he's stubborn. He's still mad at Koyama for looking at him differently and the last thing he wants to do is encourage it. If he wasn't so turned on and frustrated, he'd be bothered by thinking about his best friend like this, particularly one part of him, but right now all he wants is something hard inside him.

It would be a much more life-altering revelation if he didn't occasionally feel this way when he had a penis too.

 _"Tego_ ," he whines into the phone, so worked up that he's not even bothered by his feminine voice. "This is your fault. Take responsibility."

"I'm flattered," Tegoshi says flatly, "but I'm not into you that way. Sorry."

"I hate you so much," Shige grumbles, and Tegoshi laughs. "At least order me something to use, because I am _not_ going into a seedy porn store."

"I can do that. Do you want a dildo or a vibrator, or both?"

Shige sighs, hiding his face in his hands despite being alone. "I don't know. I just want something in there."

"You know you sound like an AV actor when you talk like that, right?" Tegoshi asks, choking a little on his breath, and Shige feels a sense of justice. "I know you're not a woman, but you sound like one right now and I am only human."

Shige hangs up on him. He's just going to have to endure it. It'll be like when he was a teenager and fending off erections every time the wind blew. If anything, it'll be less noticeable this way.

He gives himself another three orgasms before falling asleep, understanding now why women are never satisfied.

*

There's still an underlying air of arousal the next day, but Shige can't exactly stay home and ride it out. It's only Massu anyway, the pair of them meeting for dinner after a day of meetings.

Shige prides himself on making it through the entire meal without looking at his colleague and friend in an unfavorable way. Tegoshi had pulled him aside to show him a shipping confirmation earlier, so Shige feels better knowing there's an end date for this torture.

"You look horrible," Massu says after they settle the check. "Tegoshi said you were having trouble, but I didn't think it would be that bad."

Shige laughs despite himself. Ordinarily he would be embarrassed, but it's Massu. "Yeah, me neither. Seems that this equipment requires special maintenance."

Massu snorts. "That was awful."

"I'm sorry."

Massu doesn't look pensive very often, but now is one of those times, and Shige's confused until Massu speaks again. "I can help you out, if you want."

"What?" Shige asks, his mind blown. The concept of Massu and sex doesn't compute. "Do you even do that?"

Massu laughs out loud. "Just because I don't tell you all about it doesn't mean I don't do it. I know what I'm doing, if you're worried about that. I can give you references."

"That's not necessary," Shige says slowly. He's confident his eyes are bugging out of their sockets while his body wholly approves of this offer. "I think...that would be okay."

"Okay," Massu nods, casually like they're talking about watching a movie or something that's not actually what they're talking about. "I'll meet you at my place then."

Shige just nods and makes his way to his car. He thinks about calling Tegoshi to bitch at him for sharing his business, but he doesn't want Tegoshi to know what he's about to do. Besides, it's because of Tegoshi that he's going to do it at all, even if it's with the least likely person.

Massu greets him at the door with a towel, and Shige understands the unspoken request to shower. He takes his time washing off the day, his skin tingling under the warm water. His body is still stimulated from last night, the fire not quite extinguished. He thinks about how it will be soon and shudders, his inner muscles clenching at the promise of having something inside him.

He dries off and makes a face at the clothes he's been wearing all day. There's really no point in getting dressed, but he's not about to stride out completely naked. Maybe if he was with Tegoshi, but not Massu.

"You can wear my robe, if you want," Massu calls out from the other side of the door, and Shige notices a fluffy purple robe hanging on the back of the door. "I just washed it, so it's clean."

Shige shrugs on the robe, the material stimulating him even more, and he takes a deep breath before opening the door. He'd figured that he would feel something when he saw Massu again, but he didn’t expect to be hit with a wave of _want_. Massu's eyes meet his, dark and intense for the first time in Shige's memory, and he chokes on his next breath.

"I'll shower now," Massu says firmly, and Shige nods. "Then I'll take care of you."

"Okay," Shige agrees, his heart pounding in his ears. "Shall I wait in the living room, or...?"

"My bed is fine," Massu tells him, then offers a smile. "Relax, Shige. Don't think too hard about it."

Then he closes the door, leaving Shige to his own devices. He can count on one hand how many times he's been in Massu's bedroom, and never in his bed. It's a nice bed, softer than his own, and Shige curls up on his side while he waits. Usually, the words "relax" and "don't think" mean nothing to his brain that does neither of those things on a regular basis, but right now all he cares about is getting what Massu's going to give him.

His hand slips under the robe to touch himself, lightly along the skin that trembles under his fingertips. He finds that he really likes his breasts touched and makes a note to pay more attention to them even when they're regular pectoral muscles again. As it is, he has reduced himself to squirms and soft moans by the time the shower stops, his nerves on high alert.

Massu appears in the doorway in just a pair of sweats, the rarely-displayed sculpted chest with the chiseled abs earning Shige's attention instead of pulling his hand away. Massu has always been good-looking, but right now he's _hot_ and Shige finds himself hoping that this is going to be a two-way thing where he can touch Massu too.

"Anything you want to tell me before we start?" Massu asks, seemingly unbothered that Shige has technically started without him. "I'm easy, so if you want me to do something, just say it, or move me yourself."

Shige nods. "I'm still amazed you even want to do this."

"I like sex," Massu says with a shrug. "You want it, I got it, so let's do it."

He sits next to Shige on the bed, staring unabashedly at Shige's chest, and Shige belatedly realizes that he never moved his hand from under the robe. It's too late to pretend he wasn't doing exactly what he was doing, so he just owns it and pinches his nipple harder than before, pulling a surprised moan from his throat.

The fuzzy material leaves his shoulders, helped along by Massu's fingers that linger on his bare shoulders. Shige inhales sharply, lifting his chest enough to expose his breasts, and he shivers under Massu's stare. He doesn't know if it's because they're so sensitive or because it's Massu, but he's even more turned on from Massu looking at them.

Before he can get too cold, Massu leans forward and presses his lips to Shige's collarbone, breaking the contact barrier with no warning and no hesitation. It's warm and a little wet, sending a jolt of electricity down between his legs, and he arches as Massu kisses his way down to where Shige's chest starts to swell.

Shige finds his hand nudged out of the way as Massu's takes its place, and it's surreal to feel a touch that's not his own. Massu touches him much like he'd touched himself, squeezing the flesh and taking the nipple between his thumb and forefinger. It feels so good that Shige can't quite catch his breath, skipping one completely when Massu's mouth closes over the other nipple.

His hips undulate involuntarily at the first lick of Massu's tongue, his hands grabbing onto Massu's shoulders for purchase. Each flick on his nipples makes him want it somewhere else, and it takes approximately three more heaving breaths for him to grab Massu's hand and shove it down, pulling the robe open on its way.

Massu pauses and leans back, carefully unfastening the tie and pushing aside the robe properly, like Shige's a present he's been allowed to open. He stares for so long that Shige squirms, half embarrassed and half aroused at Massu appreciating his body this way, and he's about to tell Massu to get a move on when more than Massu's hand moves down.

"Oh, _fuck_ ," Shige groans at the promise of having that mouth between his legs. "Sorry, I know you don't like swearing."

"It's okay if I'm making you do it," Massu tells him, pressing the words into his abdomen, and a fresh rush of heat surges through Shige's body, accumulating where fingers are slipping between his thighs. "Let me in, Shige."

Shige hadn't realized how tightly he'd been clenching his legs together until he spreads them apart, the cool air making him tingle even more where he's grown incredibly wet in the past few minutes. "Please," he gets out.

Once his path is no longer blocked, Massu continues his way down, letting out a noise of his own when he grazes Shige's clit and earns a full body jolt in response. He hooks his finger underneath the bump and flicks it that way, sending Shige into a jerking frenzy as his arousal soars into overheating territory.

Then he _stops_ , and Shige starts to whine until one of those fingers pushes inside him. Shige's hips push back instinctively, and it only takes a few prods to open him up for another, the pair of them touching Shige deeper than he can get on his own. Shige can't stop the moans from pouring out, his inner muscles luring Massu to all the good spots, and Shige arches as he gets close to what will undoubtedly be a mind-blowing orgasm.

Massu's lips trail down Shige's inner thigh and Shige braces himself, though nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of Massu's tongue on his clit. It's a good thing Massu's other arm is looped around his thigh, because Shige might have bucked him hard in the face from the force of his stimulation. Instead, Massu's got Shige's lower half pinned down to the bed, one set of fingers spreading open his labia while the other touches him deep inside.

"I'm gonna come," he gets out, needlessly since his body is shaking and tightening, and all at once Shige's world goes white, fire-hot pleasure encompassing his entire being as he's brought to orgasm by someone else. But even when he comes down, that desire is still there, intensified by the continued movement of Massu's fingers inside him that aren't enough to satisfy his craving for penetration.

Massu knows it too, wiping his face on his arm as he kisses his way back up Shige's body. He pauses to lick Shige's nipples again, which has him becoming even more of a mess as his hips are now free to rock upwards at will.

Shige's hands touch Massu's chest on their own, feeling the appealing muscles for himself as he makes his way down to where Massu's sweatpants are tented. He hesitates long enough for Massu to make an encouraging noise before shoving one hand past the waistband, fingers curling around the hard flesh that automatically thrusts into the contact.

"Do that inside me," Shige breathes out, his body yearning for it now that he can feel it. "Taka, please."

"Yeah, I will," Massu replies, leaning up with what looks like a lot of effort to reach over to his nightstand. "Let me get a condom."

Shige blinks at the realization that he might get pregnant this way, the surreal thought distracting him until Massu's sheathed himself and kicked off his sweatpants, kneeling between Shige's thighs. Massu glances up to find Shige watching him, impatient and nervous at the same time, and he offers a comforting smile as he guides his cock to where Shige's more than ready for it.

The back of Shige's head hits the pillow as Massu slowly pushes in, his back arching clear off the bed as his muscles latch onto every inch. Shige moans as he's touched deeper than either of them could get with their fingers, his hips moving on their own before he's adjusted. Massu doesn't move right away, and Shige pries his eyes open to find Massu's closed, his breaths slow and even as he runs his hands up and down Shige's thighs to gradually spread them open.

Then Massu's eyes fly open and Shige's hit with such a lustful stare that he's reaching out both arms, into which Massu lowers himself as he starts to move. Shige cries out as an itch he's had for an entire day is finally scratched, the beautiful friction they're creating together as Shige pushes back against every thrust.

Massu presses his face into Shige's neck, one arm looped around Shige's shoulder while the other holds him steady at the waist, and Shige feels the weight of Massu's body flush against his along with the length pushing in and out of him. It's more than he wanted and he loves it, his hands latching onto Massu's shoulder blades to hold on as Massu fucks him into the bed.

Shige has to lift his hips to get Massu where he wants him, and after a few attempts Massu grabs Shige by the ass to help him out. Even with his knees by his head, he's not getting the angle he wants; as good as it feels to finally have something inside him, he wants to _come_.

He makes it another couple thrusts before forcing out the words, "Let me get on top."

Massu makes an approving noise as he easily rolls them over, and Shige's knees resituate themselves on either side of Massu's hips as he sits up straight, even more aware of the hard length inside him. It takes him a few seconds to find a good rhythm, but then he's rocking back and forth on Massu's cock and they're both moaning, Massu's hands grasping onto Shige's hips to thrust up at the perfect angle.

" _Fuck_ ," Shige says again, and Massu grunts his agreement. Shige starts to lose his rhythm as he gets closer to another release, but Massu takes over and Shige cries out as he comes again, and _again_ , the continued pressure getting him off until he feels like he's going to explode right out of his skin, satisfying his body's every craving by riding Massu's cock just how he wants it.

Even after the intense need is gone, it still feels so good, and Shige ignores the growing pain in his knees until he absolutely cannot anymore. He falls forward in frustration, but strong arms wrap around him and hold him close, hips snapping up from below and thrusting just as deeply as before.

"Your stamina is surreal," Shige sputters out, and Massu replies with a choked laugh.

"Being like this with _you_ is surreal," Massu says, and Shige can't disagree. "It's everything I love about being with men and women in one package, and I want to make it last as long as I can in case I don't get another chance."

Shige wants to make fun of him for getting sentimental during sex, but his heart does weird flip-flops at the words he didn't know he wanted to hear until right now. "You don't think of me as a woman, even like this?" he asks, unable to keep the hope out of his voice.

"How could I?" Massu scoffs. "You're still Shige."

Such a simple statement has Shige feeling warm in a different way, his body easily adjusting to the closer position and pushing back against Massu's thrusts. Massu's fingers dig into his hips and Shige knows these signs all too well, the impending orgasm he's experienced many times before.

"It's okay if you want to come," he says softly, taking advantage of his close proximity to mouth along Massu's neck. "I can feel how much you want to. We can do it again, as long as I stay like this. Please come for me now."

Massu makes a pained noise before presumably giving up holding back, grabbing Shige's ass with both hands as he snaps his hips and shudders. Shige clings to him as he lets go, feeling Massu's muscles tense and then release, along with the length that pulses inside him.

Everything stops except fast heartbeats and staggered breaths. Shige's concerned that he might not be able to move his legs, but that pales in comparison to how _amazing_ he feels. He manages to roll off of Massu, a mixture of pain and pleasure washing over him as he tries to stretch and bring his blood pressure down.

The weight next to him shifts, and Shige opens his eyes in time to see Massu snap off his condom and lean across him to toss it into the wastebasket. Shige watches Massu's chest muscles shine with sweat and feels something that's not entirely sexual, appreciating Massu's body more than just a friend and colleague.

"Is it bad that I'm ridiculously attracted to you right now?" Shige asks, his brain-to-mouth filter completely fucked out of him.

Massu laughs as sits up. "We just had sex. I'd be offended if you weren't."

Shige's ruminating thoughts return full force now that they're not drowned out by physical sensations, and Massu gently urges him up by the arm. Shige's legs are unsteady and Massu ends up half-carrying him into the bathroom, where he fills up the tub with warm water and rubs Shige's aching muscles, the pair of them relaxing after such a vigorous activity.

"I want you to know," Massu says suddenly, pulling Shige out of a blissful trance. "It doesn't matter to me what parts you have. I did this because you're Shige, and I'd do it the other way too."

It's too much for Shige to process right now, but Massu doesn't seem to expect a response. Instead, Shige sinks back into Massu's embrace, allowing his body to enjoy everything it feels, and he's still reveling in it all when they've relocated between the freshly changed sheets, Massu's soft snoring lulling him to sleep.

*

After two months, Shige gives up trying to make Koyama see him as a man and decides to outright lie about changing back.

"It was there when I woke up," Shige says, channeling all of his acting skills into convincing his best friend that he has a penis again.

"That's great!" Koyama exclaims, and Shige feels a pang of guilt at how Koyama believes him right away. "Oh, I'm so glad Shige is a boy again. I really missed you!"

Shige bites back the fact that he was here the entire time, flashing a smile instead. Koyama deserves this deception, he tells himself. This is what he gets for refusing to separate sex and gender.

It's no different than pretending for work. He doesn't have to try very hard to force his voice down anymore, and the binder has practically become part of his body. Going into the summer photo shoots, Shige has his manager tell the staff that he won't go shirtless anymore, something about being uncomfortable with his physique at his age. Being as the redistribution of fat and muscles has Shige looking like he's fluffed up a bit, nobody questions this.

Tegoshi thinks it's mean to mislead Koyama this way, but even he has to admit that it's the only way they can go back to normal. Massu isn't bothered by lying to Koyama as much as he's not bothered by continuing to sleep with Shige, happily giving him a good fuck whenever Shige's arousal flares up.

It's not even a big deal when he gets his period. He'd figured it would probably happen, and he's bought supplies for his mother enough to know how to handle it. He even expected the cramps to be bad and started a regime of ibuprofen, chocolate, and heating pads. The most difficult part was remembering to keep the necessities in his bag, but it only took one emergency trip to the conbini to keep him from making that mistake again.

The next time it comes around, he's a professional. He even feels good enough to meet Koyama for dinner on the second day. It still saddens him that he can't be completely honest with his best friend anymore, though he probably wouldn't share the news of his period with this one even if he did know the truth. Growing up with a sister, Koyama would probably avoid him the entire week.

As it is, it's like any other time Shige has gone out to eat with Koyama, the familiarity warming his heart and keeping his mood high. Halfway through his bowl, he gets a bad wave of cramps, unable to keep the discomfort off of his face, but Koyama just assumes that his stomach is upset and waves him off to the bathroom.

It doesn't help, but Shige takes the opportunity to change his pad and splash some cold water on his face at the sink. He thinks nothing about the other men until one of them approaches him, spinning him around and shoving his back hard against the counter.

"This is the _men's_ room," he hisses. "You don't belong here."

"I'm a man," Shige tells him, making his voice sound even more gruff than usual.

"Is your ass bleeding then?" the man asks, and Shige inwardly curses the open wastebaskets in the bathroom stalls. "Who the fuck do you think you are, coming into our space?"

"It's my space too," Shige says, using all of his strength to struggle out of the man's gasp. He's no weakling, but he's no match for this person, who towers over him with arm muscles bigger than Massu's. "I'm not bothering you, so please leave me alone."

"You're bothering me by existing," the man spits, and Shige's eyes widen as the man raises a hand to him. "Lucky for you, I was raised to not hit a woman."

"Shige, are you o—"

Shige's never been so glad to see Koyama in his life, even if Koyama's eyes turn scary as he crosses the room in two strides and shoves Shige's captor up against the wall. Koyama may be soft, but he's intimidating when he needs to be and the stranger holds up both hands in surrender.

"Keep your _girlfriend_ out of our bathroom," is all he says as he walks away, shooting Shige a disgusted look on his way out.

Shige frowns as Koyama turns toward him, all concern. "Are you okay? What was that guy thinking, coming at you like that?"

"I didn't change back," Shige confesses, his heart beating in his ears as he uses all of his willpower not to burst into tears. "I have my period, and he saw my pad in the trash. I'm sorry for lying to you."

Koyama blinks, still visibly calming down from his own altercation. "You didn't change back?"

"No," Shige says, hanging his head. "Telling you I did was the only way to get you to treat me the same as before."

Koyama doesn't say anything, and Shige thinks the worst until strong arms wrap around him, holding him tight. "Oh, Shige. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the world for making such a fuss about gender differences."

"Sex differences," Shige corrects him.

"Whatever." Koyama pulls back and lifts Shige's chin, frowning at Shige's watery eyes. "I understand now. Shige is Shige no matter what parts he has. Are you okay though?"

"Are _you_?" Shige asks, reaching out to hold Koyama still as he starts to tremble. "I've _never_ seen you that mad before."

"I haven't been, not since my dad," Koyama admits, and Shige's heart aches at the memory that isn't actually his. "I saw him hurting you and saw red. Even though I didn't think you were a girl, I needed to protect you."

"Thanks," Shige says, smiling despite his trembling nerves. "Can we go though? I really need to cry and I don't want to do it here."

"I'll hold you if you want," Koyama offers, quickly adding, "Not like that, I mean. I know you're a man."

Shige laughs at how hard Koyama is trying to respect him, and it's like a breath of fresh air after so long of lying and arguing. Shige throws his arms around him, grinning while Koyama hugs him unabashedly, so grateful that everything's okay now.

"Get a room," another man growls at them as he washes his hands at the next sink. "Fags."

Any other time, the derogatory term would have Shige's feathers ruffled, but this time he confuses them all by laughing out loud.

*

Six months and it looks like Shige's new body is here to stay. He's gotten used to it, mostly, even if it's more of a hassle to hide it from the public than anything else. He's managed to go swimming a couple times with a waterproof binder and a T-shirt, but it's not the same as the freedom of having a bare chest.

"You could get top surgery," Tegoshi suggests as they lounge around in the heat of summer. Tegoshi wouldn't care if Shige was butt naked on his couch, but boob sweat is a thing that Shige would rather experience only once.

"I know, but..." he trails off, looking down through the wide collar at the small lumps on his chest. "I kind of like them. And why should I have to alter my body to be socially acceptable?"

"Preach," Tegoshi says flatly. "Don't you miss your dick though?"

"Not really," Shige answers. "Sex is _phenomenal_ like this, when it's done right anyway."

Tegoshi rolls his eyes. "So, when are you gonna make an honest man out of Massu?"

"Ha, ha," Shige says sarcastically. "Neither one of us wants that. We're friends who have sex. We're not even exclusive—I'd probably do it with _you_ if you ever decided to broaden your horizons."

"My horizons are plenty broadened, just not for you," Tegoshi says with a shrug, pointedly flopping on top of Shige for a one-sided cuddle.

" _Tego_ , it's too hot for this," Shige whines, but he slings an arm around Tegoshi's bare waist anyway. "Are you using my boobs as a pillow?"

"They're so comfy," Tegoshi says, purposely leaning back against Shige's cleavage now that he's been found out. "I'd miss them if you changed back."

Shige sighs and resigns himself to getting felt up by the back of Tegoshi's head. Tegoshi rises and falls with Shige's breaths, which gradually become slower as he relaxes into the warm evening.

"You inspired me, you know," Tegoshi says softly, so quiet that Shige thinks he imagined it until Tegoshi speaks again. "Living as your authentic self even in a different body."

"It's not really something I actively think about," Shige tells him, a little gentler than he usually explains himself like this. "I am me on the inside no matter what's on the outside. Even if I woke up looking like _you_ , I would still be me."

Tegoshi bursts out laughing. "If you were me, would I be you as you are now? I wouldn't mind that at all, even if I would miss my face."

Shige reads between the lines and gives Tegoshi a comforting squeeze. "What did I inspire you to do?"

"Ah," Tegoshi says, staring unseeingly at the ceiling. "It feels silly to say out loud, but I've been thinking of myself as more of a woman lately. While nothing has changed on the surface, I feel so much better just accepting who I am and being true to myself. Like you, I'm still me, even if I look like this."

"It's not like you can't pass," Shige mocks, and Tegoshi makes a noise of agreement. "I'm proud of you, and I'll support you however you need. I'd give you my boobs if I could."

"If only," Tegoshi mutters, then flashes Shige an upside-down smile. "Maybe when I'm older, I'll explore it more, but for now I'm happy like this. Even if everyone else sees me as a man, I know the truth."

"I see you as Tegoshi," Shige says simply. "It's simply a matter of switching pronouns in my head."

"Thanks, Shige," Tegoshi says earnestly, and Shige knows that he— _she_ isn't just referring to right now.

"Glad I'm not alone," Shige admits out loud, and as Tegoshi curls up on top of him and nuzzles his boobs even more, he realizes he never was.

 


End file.
